"Being single is nice because I don’t need to worry about shaving my legs anymore. … and just hygiene in general, really."
"Last night I thought the couple living next door was having a fight. Took me a fifteen minutes to realize that the yelling didn’t involve any words and that they were having sex."
"No-shave November should be called ‘No-kiss November.’ Nobody wants to make out sandpaper."
"I like your style! You have a very marketable look. Just lose that freshman 15 and you could be a menswear model."
"I’m in graduate school…"
"Oh. Never mind then. You’ll just have to stay unemployable."
"I don’t know, man, I just don’t like EDM. It sounds like a room full of vacuum cleaners arguing with each other. I don’t see the appeal."
"There’s no appeal, there’s just money."
We’ll always have the obvious. It reminds us who and where we are, it lives like a heart shaped like a jar that we hand to others and ask, ‘Can you open this for me?’ We always get the same answer: ‘Not without breaking it.’
"Did you see Jessica’s new haircut?"
"You and Jessica are friends again?"
"I mean… we’re never not friends. We’re just… less friends."
"Ok. So she got her hair cut."
"Yeah, it looks really stupid."
"Oh my god, we’re going to have a new president next year!"
"What year is it?"
"Dude, are you serious?"
"We just had a presidential election… last year…"
"Oh. I guess my statement was stupider."
"What are you trying to achieve with your life? I’m talking goals, concrete aspirations. Sitting in coffee shops with your laptop and a book you’ve never read and pretending to be interesting isn’t an employable skill."
Set fire to my dreams, why don’t you.
"What’s your number?"
"You’ve taken seven virginities?!"
"I AM THE VIRGIN WHISPERER."